Krishna Janmashtami

During the early hours today, I heard extremely pathos-rendering of Shivaranjani raaga on what sounded like flute. This was accompanied by an incredibly delicious wave of aroma.

I couldn’t resist getting out of the bed despite the early hours. With my eyes well up, I had given into Shivaranjani recital, as much as I’d to the delicious smell and wanted to know who was being so emotional in the early hours. With my ears, nose, and heart hinting that I heard the musical from the dense trees that’re to the left of my home did I dare to go find out the source, and hopefully extend a potential human touch to heal the pain of the recitalist.

I headed into the trees, and to my surprise, it was Lord Krishna, Paramathma, Vasudeva himself reciting the magical flute, alongside him was a yummy pastry that read “Happy Janmashtami”. The heavenly pastry was so aromatic that it could get through the 1 foot walls of my room and nobody knows how far it had to go. And could I even imagine anyone being better than Him with flute?
Bearing to the shock, and the bliss of seeing him live, so close, and tangible, I fainted. After a day that I woke up, as He shook me with His almighty touch and I stood up in all awe, absolutely surrendered to his sublime stature, reminding that I was wondering why he’d to recite The Pathos Shivaranjani, that too on his own Janmashtami. My one day in fainting was apparently a nanosecond to Him.

I called myself an atheist until that moment, but, then, with a pounding heart, and a clean soul that is completely appalled, and irrevocably devoted, did I dare to ask Him what was it that’d him upset so bad and why would He bring the heavenly pastry all the way to the ever sinned earth?
And how ridiculous, and massively arrogant of me to even think I could do something to better his mood? I’d say I was just curious. Saints, as I read, had to climb mountains, meditate for years, starve to near death, grow long beard, and endure all the pain along the way to prove they were worthy of His visit. But for me, a sinned, mortal human being, He just showed up on a pleasant morning from nowhere on an auspicious day, so massively special to Him, and I’d to try to engage in a good conversation, and hopefully leave a good first impression of an average human being whilst I listened to Him and He listened to me.
Needless to say, I’d my wishlist that is growing ever since my primary school, but I must stick to the human code of conduct. Prayer first, Prasadam later!

He rested the flute, and said “several things have gone out of control on planet earth. From a state president firing his bureaucrats, and threatening other countries with provocative rhetoric; A 4 foot 5 inch beanbag trying to dump shit on humanity; The tanking stock market because of the aforesaid people and needlessly ruining people’s peace; The raising sea levels, and dying sharks; Mutual Fund companies using His birthday to advertise their crappy new products; Online sales on His eve selling year old nonsense, just to name a few..” He said.
I was perplexed. All of these are problems created by His creation. If He deemed them as problems, that’s just a surprise. I was hesitant, yet compelled to ask Him, although I understood how intense problems they were, given the fact that they nearly plunged Him into a bad mood, and I’d to conclude they must be real difficult ones even for Him, hopefully for the right reasons. I gathered some courage, and asked Him why were they have to be so disturbing, so much so that they ruin His birthday. He said these numerous actions from the humans have quite adversely affected his prior road map for the end of Kaliyuga, extending Kaliyuga by several thousand years, and that provoked a rather heated political debate during their yearly summer trip to Bhooloka this year and the extension was going to trouble some members politically.

The following is how He narrated some excerpts from their conversations.

“While Yamaraja claimed that the input to His department has reduced drastically, Vayudeva complained that during his recent visit to Bhooloka, he once took a deep breath and immediately fainted. He’d to be woken up with a mask around his nose, and that he was told he better wear them as long as he was in Delhi and Shanghai!
Another colleague Varunadeva started whining that he’s prohibited from visiting some of his favorite parts of India, the other colleague who sits close the fire extinguisher, Agnideva, was furious about his unplanned visits to the forests and had to be absent during the world tour missing Tulips garden. The other, rather romantic, colleague Manmatha is left jobless as the population exploded without his efforts, and he didn’t even see the need to participate in the summer trip this time, and left up there and missed his favorite Amsterdam.”

“Even to almighty me, these are way too many disagreements between way too many supervisors. While on the way to Switzerland via Germany, they planned my birthday party. We rested the previous night, and started celebrating my birthday this early hours IST, here in these lush trees. When the sick president tweeted some nonsense, the stock market tanked, and one of the devotee cursed me. There was a forest for Agni to burn, and a flood for Varuna to take charge of. As these two left, the other colleagues also yelled at me for not taking care of the extension, and left me here alone.
This’s my worst birthday since 2008 financial crisis, and I was well on my way to fix things to find a balance before the recent, rather, adverse developments around the globe.” said Vasudeva, with his palm on His head.

Well, that, indeed, is severe, I thought.

I, for one, have although lived through these difficulties, and know these problems well enough, I don’t want the Kaliyuga to end. Should we fix the problem, the almighty’s road map aligns back, chances are the next few generations may not see the light of the day. Nonetheless, I asked Him what He could do, and what I could do? (Well, what could I do? I’m a 7am-4pm employee. That is all. I can fix a few bugs if they are in Python or Java programs!) The almighty said it was simple. He was going to get Brahmakartha, and I just had to ask Brahma to align things as all the knobs were with Him, and He would fix it!”. “But, ” He continued, “I would trick Him that you are not going to ask anything related to Kaliyuga, and the road map.”, because all that Brahma does is done only once. He prefers not to change anything!
There can never be a better opportunity, and nobler deed for me to anchor, to be devoted. This was it. I touched his feet, and said “Sure, my lord”.

Moments later, the magnanimous Brahma showed up and said, “It was the one mistake in my creation, especially with human beings. Nonetheless,” he continued, “I have always been kind to you despite your atrocities”. And asked me to submit my wish for his consideration, or rather consider it granted. As Lord Krishna was looking at me, I thought for a moment and said: “Please help me close this story with an incredible climax!” Brahmakartha said, ‘Tathastu!”

As I clicked the Publish button, I heard Lord Krishna yelling at me ‘MutthaLa! HaLumadidyallo!”, I replied, “ella ninna leele. Naanu nimitha mathra. Baresodu, Bareyodu, ella neene allave prabhu!”

He smiled, and said I’ve *His* approval to publish this.

Friendship Day!

ಹೋಗೋ ಗುಳ್ದು; ಯಾಕೋ loaper!; ಮುಚ್ಚಪ್ಪ ಸಾಕು;
ಸರಿ, ನಿಮ್ಮ ಹಸುನೆ ಮುಂದೆ;
ಇಲ್ಲ ಮಗ;  ಹೂ ಮಚ್ಚ;  ಹೌದು ಗುರುವೇ;
ಏನ್ರೀ ಹೇಗಿದ್ದೀರ?
– ಸಲಿಗೆ ಎಳ್ಳಷ್ಟಇರಲಿ, ಓರೋಷ್ಟು ಇರಲಿ .

ಚಡ್ಡಿ, ಚಿಕೆನ್,
ಕಾರು, ಬೀರು,
ಚಪ್ಪಲಿ,ಸಾಕ್ಸು,
ಪ್ಯಾಂಟು, ಶರ್ಟು

ಎಲ್ಲಾ ಶೇರ್ ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ,

ರೋಟಿ, ದಾಲ್,
ಆಂಧ್ರ ಪಪ್ಪು,
ಕಡಕ್, ಹಲಸಂದೆ,

ಏನೇ ತಿನ್ನಲಿ,

ಬೆಂಗಳೂರು, ಬಿಹಾರ್,
ಪಾವಗಡ, ಶಿಮೊಗ್ಗ,
ರತ್ನಗಿರಿ, ಕೆಂಗೇರಿ,
ರೈಚೂರ್, ಸಿರಾ, ಮುತ್ಕುರ್,
ಬೇವಿನಹಳ್ಳಿ, ಬೊಮ್ಮಸಂದ್ರ,
ನೀ ಎಲ್ಲಿನವರಾದ್ರೂ ಆಗ್ಲಿ,

ನನ್ನ ಗೋಳು ಕೇಳೋ,
ಮಾತು ಕೇಳೋ,
ಅಳಿಸೊ, ನಗಿಸೋ,
ತಿದ್ದೋ, ತಿದ್ದೋ ಅವಕಾಶ ಕೊಟ್ಟೋ,

“ಕುಯ್ದಿದ್ದು ಸಾಕು, ನಿಲ್ಸೋ!”

ಅನ್ನೋ, ಎಲ್ಲ ಗೆಳೆಯ, ಗೆಳತಿಯರಿಗೂ:

“ನೀವಿಲ್ಲದ ಜೀವನ ಚೂರು, ಬೋರು,
ಬೇಜಾರು.
ನಿಮಗಿದೊ ಒಂದು ಪುಟ್ಟ ನಮಸ್ಕಾರ!”

Happy first Sunday of August!

ಲೇಟ್ ಆಗಿದೆ.
Adjust ಮಾಡ್ಕೊಳಿ!

Hailstones

It started raining heavily, with fierce winds on the way back home. Hailstones as big as pebbles, all over the footpath. The umbrella couldn’t take the force and I’d to take shelter under a tree.

It was petrifying and in all honesty, I was really scared by the loudness of the thunders and the brightness of the lightening, and I’d to close the umbrella and drop it aside to prevent it from turning into a lightening arrestor! The streetlight meters away was hazily visible and it was turned off by the lightening.

There I was shaking, shivering, and waiting. Moments later, I was joined by this little adorable girl. She stood beside me, and after a while said she was too afraid to walk the rest of her way back home and started crying. I tried consoling, and asked if I could call her home. Sadly we couldn’t reach her home. In an effort to console her further, I picked up a few lines from a movie and said the lightening was just God taking pictures of us with his million megapixel camera, and the thunder was His drumbeat and she could pose for pictures and dance to the beats.

That seemed to have relaxed her and she stopped crying, while the rain continued.

Moments later, she started acting weird by picking up the hailstones and said she missed the last bus just so she could collect the hailstones from where we were waiting.

“These are special!”, she continued in a rather peculiar, and over excited tone, which to me was louder, and scarier than the downpour. “Special in the sense, they slipped off God’s refrigerator, just for me.”, with the thunder in chorus, frightening me even more. At this stage, although she seemed like an 8 year old kid, I’d all sorts of paranoid thoughts running through my mind vigorously. Could that be a ghost, or an alien, or even worse God’s messenger that was to punish my atheist soul?

I looked at her foot, and they were alright and confirmed she wasn’t a ghost. No, I’m not friends with ghosts, but that’s the one trait that sets ghosts apart I heard.

She’d a backpack full of books and a lunch box, and looked all cute. And given the fact that even the US president hasn’t made contact with Aliens yet,  it is a mistake on alien’s side to even think of considering me as the human to reach out to. Ruled out, in disappointment.(Or maybe, I stand chance!? Who’s the president now?)

God’s messenger? Nah, that contradicts my atheist belief to begin with.

As I kept pondering in paranoia as to who she was, ” and, you know”, she continued, “there has been study in my Chemistry lab, and our teacher said that we collect the hailstones and bring them to the lab to examine the effect of global warming.  I’ve not been able to collect any since weeks now because of unsupported circumstances, and the deadline for report submission is just days away.”

It was time for me to relax as it was just a kid that I was talking to, and I had nothing to be scared of.

“And you know”, she continued, “I’m passionate. And I will do everything I can to reduce the impact the human species is about to face because of global warming. And as I’ve to live on this planet for the years to come, I’ve taken it on me, sir, to study everything I could, and do anything I can.”, and continued collecting the hailstones into the little freezer-thing she’d, that I’d mistaken for lunchbox.

“Oh, I meant that these hailstones have fallen off God’s refrigerator metaphorically, to both complement your imagination about the thunder, and lightening, and to thank God for today. I’m glad that finally I’m able to collect some so that I can prepare for my thesis submission.”

I was flattered. At 8, not only was she funny, but extremely sensible, and considerate AND to top it all, preparing a thesis! How lucky her father must be, I thought. Father is more dearer to a daughter than mother. Hence the reason. And I would want a daughter. Sons are stupid.

She got enough of the supply for her research by then, and I was glad as much as she was that she missing the last bus didn’t go wasted.

It stopped raining, and I walked her to her home which was in the other direction to where I lived.  As she rang the doorbell on her home, I started walking back to my home. She didn’t thank me. I guess the excitement of hoping to fulfill the project made her forget formalities and hey, I’d just learnt to be sensible from her moments ago!

The next day at about 11 in the morning the phone rang. Some unknown number, and because my mobile subscription is under roaming at the moment, and it’s a bloody expensive one, I have my number shared only with my family, and I pick calls, and don’t care for roaming charges. I received the call, and it wasn’t anyone from my family. The person at the other end said “Thanks for caring for the little kid from yesterday.”

I was guessing this must be her father.

I went “Oh, yes. She was a wonderful kid. The best I’ve ever come across. I’m guessing that she’s your daughter?”

And the response was “No, but I understood how sensible, smart and responsible you hope your daughter should be.  And I promise you, not only do we care and understand your expectations with your ideal soulmate, the life partner, but also understand the qualities you hope your kid will have!”

I went “Who are you!?”

The response, “I’m calling from Matrimony service. Please use coupon code ‘WEDDiscount20’, with ‘WEDD’, both the ‘d’s in upper case, sir, and ‘twenty’ is numeric 20. This is for Wednesday’ discounts on the paid subscription using which you can view the complete details of the potential matches. And sir, we can help you get timely response from your potential matches! And, sir, ..”

I had to hang up on him before he completed the sentence, wondering how on earth did he come to know about that previous day.

ಅವಳ ಮನ್ನಣೆ!

ಉರಿ ಬೇಸಿಗೆಯ ಸಂಜೆ. ಇಕ್ಕಟ್ಟಿನ ಬಸ್ ಸೀಟ್ ಮೇಲೆ ಕುಂತಿದ್ದೆ.
“ರೈ! ರೈ!” ಅಂದ, ಆ ಕಂಡಕ್ಟರ್.

ಮುಳುಗುತ್ತಿದ್ದ, ray-ban company ಬೇನಾಮಿ ಮಾಲೀಕ, ಸೂರ್ಯ,
ದಿನವಿಡೀ ಬೆಂದು, ಬೆವರಿ, dehyrate’ಆದ ಭೂಮಿ,
ಅದರ ಮೇಲೆ ನನ್ನ ಎಷ್ಟೋ ನಿರೀಕ್ಷೆಗಳನ್ನು ಒಯ್ಯುತಿದ್ದ ಆ ಬಸ್ಸು,
ಒಳಗೆ ಇಕ್ಕಟ್ಟಿನ ಸೀಟ್, ಮೇಲೆ ನಾನು.

ಆ ನಿಮಿಷಕ್ಕೆ ನನ್ನ ಆಲೋಚನೆ ಎಲ್ಲ ಉಳಿದ ಎಂಟು stop’ಗಳು,
ಮತ್ತು ಅಲ್ಲಿಂದ ನಾನು ನಡೆಯಬೇಕಿದ್ದ ಒಂದು ಮೈಲಿ ದೂರದ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಆಗಿತ್ತು.

ನನ್ನ ನಿರೀಕ್ಷೆ ಏನಾಗಿತ್ತು ಗೊತ್ತೆ?

ಅಲ್ಲಿಯ ವರೆಗೂ ನನ್ನ ಜೊತೆ ಸಂಭಾಷಣೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ತೊಡಗಿದ್ದ ಆ ಹುಡುಗಿಯಬಗ್ಗೆ,
ಮತ್ತು ಹೇಗಾದರೂ ಅವಳ ಮನ್ನಣೆ ಪಡೆಯುವ ಪ್ರಯತ್ನ ಮಾಡಲೇಬೇಕೆಂದು!

ಪ್ರಮಾಣ ಮಾಡಿ ಹೇಳುತಿದ್ದೀನಿ. ಅವಳು ದೇವತೆ!
ಸರಸ್ವತಿಯಷ್ಟು ಜಾಣೆ, ಪಾರ್ವತಿಯಷ್ಟು ಕರುಣೆ,
ಲಕ್ಷ್ಮಿಯಷ್ಟು ಧಾರಾಳ,
ಅವಳ ಚಂದವ ಹೋಲುವ ದೇವತೆಯೂ ಇಲ್ಲವೇನೋ
ಅನ್ನೋಷ್ಟು ವಿರಳ!

ಏಕೋ ಏನೋ ಉಳಿದ ಪ್ರಯಾಣ ಇನ್ನಷ್ಟು ಮಂದಗತಿಯಿಂದ ಸಾಗಲು ಆರಂಭಿಸಿತು.
ಉಳಿದ stop’ಗಳನ್ನು ಎಣಿಸುತಿದ್ದ ನನ್ನ stop ಕೊನೆಗೂ ಬಂತು.

ನನ್ನ ನಿರೀಕ್ಷೆ ಈಡೇರೋ ಸಮಯ ಅದು.

ಕಷ್ಟ ಪಟ್ಟು ಸುಮಾರು ಮೂರು ನಾಲ್ಕನೇ ಭಾಗದ ಪ್ರಯಾಣದುದ್ದಕ್ಕೂ
ನಿಯಿಂತ್ರಿಸಿದ “ಸುಸ್ಸು” ಗೆ ಹೋಗೋ ಸಮಯ ಅದು!
ಸಾಮಾಜಿಕ ಪ್ರಜ್ಞೆ ಇಲ್ಲದಂತೆ ಗಿಡದ ಪೊದೆಯಲ್ಲಿ “ಸುಸ್ಸು” ಮಾಡಲೇ ಬೇಕಾಯಿತು.

“ರೈ! ರೈ!” ಅಂದ, ಆ ಕಂಡಕ್ಟರ್ ಇನ್ನೊಮ್ಮೆ.

ಅವಳ ಮನ್ನಣೆ ಸಿಕ್ಕಿತೋ ಏನೋ ತಿಳಿಯೆ.
ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಯಾಮಾರಿದ್ರೆ ಜೀವನದುದ್ದಕ್ಕೂ ಕಳ್ಕೊಳೋಷ್ಟು ಮರ್ಯಾದೆ,
ಒಂದು ನಿಮಿಷದಲ್ಲಿ ಕಳ್ಕೋತಿದ್ದೆ.

ದೇವರೇ, Toilet ಇರೋ ಬಸ್’ಗಳನ್ನು ರಿಯಾಯಿತಿ ಬೆಲೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಮಾರು ತಂದೆ!

 

Wooden Planks, Banana Peel

I came to realize that the wooden planks and banana peel have something in common.

Some punk had littered the tidiest of the street with banana peel. Stepping on it, I lost control. To add to the misery there was a little stone on the floor that my my buttocks fell onto.

Oh Lord, it was 52kilograms of pain condensed to 1 square inch initially, and it gradually expanded to about 1 square-palm.
For the first time in my life I realized my lungs can easily reach the
vocal range of an opera singer, and my hands have the reflexes of a mongoose. I appreciate your imagination.

Pain in the ass is really a thoughtful idiom.
Before I get distracted, here is how this incident relates to my realization mentioned early on.

It was from the 8th grade that we sat on wooden planks. Until then, not even them but floor. 8th grade was when the school recognized the beginning of development in us.
I mean, academically!

Two wooden planks were joined for 5 of us to sit in each row. It was quite comfortable most of the time, and we took pride in sitting on them.
But occasionally, when the stars would align, well, we couldn’t see stars in the morning though, the two who sat at either side of the row did something and the 3rd in the row would have his butt squeeze between the wooden planks.
His hands knew exactly where he was hurt, and we could see his pain as his face turned pale.
Knowing that this happened often, the rest of us refused to swap our places with his, in spite of his offer to buy us ice-candy in return, the popular 50 paisa delicacy we couldn’t resist that time.

Although this happened often, I presume it wasn’t as painful as that of my experience today. I say that because my friend from the school could never be heard.
I mean he would never scream his pain out. But we knew when it happened as his hand moved at a pace that violated the laws of motion.

Anyways, doesn’t that prove my argument about the similarly between wooden plank and banana peel?
You may disagree today. But one day, when _you_ step on banana peel and fall onto your buttocks that you will come back and agree with me in regret.
You can’t have the wooden plank experience though, to compare which one stands out.
Not because it is from my childhood and I envy anyone else experiencing it,
but because the school’s furniture has gotten a makeover these day.

No, wait.. They are wooden desks now! So, should you want the slightly similar, but the other experience too, before you agree with my observation, let me know. I will drive you to my home town next time.

I don’t curse the punk that littered the street. No. Not at all. He did a favor. Rather significant one.  After all, it is because of him that I know couple of things I didn’t earlier: My vocal range could match that of an opera singer. I’ve the reflexes of a mongoose!