None of this is making sense anymore.
My mind defying the reasoning,
and stalling to think, but
tunneling all my energy to just pound the heart
several times faster, all of a sudden, and
often to yank myself off my body
to force me look at myself,
to challenge and prove that I’m failing to
recognize myself coz I’ve fallen apart
long time ago through
the constant motivation I’ve always had,
to find things that only complicated my life,
eventually leading me to fear just about everything
in life, and that there’s
no way I rebuild myself.
I’m afraid to seek an answer, a way out of this sinkhole,
as all such efforts thus far only kept breaking me further apart,
one experience at a time.
Am I in the vicinity of insanity?
If I ain’t, take me right into it, as quick as possible,
for I will then be sure that I’m insane, completely,
and that it is okay if nothing makes sense,
and laughter and cry are no different.
I wonder what you seek in those
lone wanderers you come across
as you take rounds
gazing all the way into the
dark corners of their hearts
that lit up by the brilliance of your beauty
as they reclaim, and reveal theirs
to their forgotten selves;
beauty that lasts for moments as they
lose themselves to you in
moments that’re willfully vulnerable,
and full of love they seek;
the same love they once were fortunate enough
to have received,
or have had the greater luck of finding one who could
find meaning in the love that was given.
Is that what you seek, too,
you lone wanderer?
“Who would I tell how much it hurts
watching the branches go bare
as they let go of the leaves that they
once held so dear, so tight,
and I’m to be labelled
‘The Fall, that finds its glory in the leaves falling dead.’
while, I, indeed, am among the fallen leaves that lie lifeless,
hoping they rise them from dead,
for one last time, just so I can
tell them that it was the
very breeze that once taught them to
swing, and dance, and fly;
left, and right, up, and down;
and the very tree that cared, and held them
from falling, are the ones that abandoned
and took their lives, watched them die,
threw them dead to ground,
and that I’m just a scapegoat
they are accustomed to..
year after year, every year..”`,
weeps “The Fall” into a man
walking on the yellow leaves
lying all over, beautiful even in death,
turning their graveyard underneath into a serene sight.
“Hate me not, for you only deserve to watch me tangible.
The closer you’re to hold me dear, the hazier I get.”,
says the morning cloud in its surreal despair.
“Have faith in me,
despite I hold you from finding purpose in me.”,
says the lost emotion, living inside me.
A day off work, to get the twitching in my eye checked,
as a nerve on the lower eye lid of the left eye kept unnerving me for couple of weeks now.
Was it the the confidence incited by my eyes deciphering, and coping with the sophisticated zoom-ins and zoom-outs built into the machinery? Or the rather relaxed demeanor of the ophthalmologist in saying, “Well, twitching? That’s ‘nervous’. It happens to some people, and will go off!”, I do not know.
I don’t experience the twitching anymore. Nope. It indeed was temporary. My eyes are just fine. No spectacles required!
On the way back, I yanked a nasty, fugitive plan I’d out of my head, dumped it into the garbage bin, spat on it, and climbed The Tallest Ulm Munster, all the ~160 meters instead. 768 Stufen that is!
A mere 160 meters height had all the mesmerizing view,
eliciting an entirely different point of view.
The flawless row houses, glass windows at the top for sun to stream in.
Hotels with roof top restaurant to indulge, and dine in.
The untiring Donau,
and the tiring déjà vu of “Am I here now?”
I stood there at the top, perhaps testing my eyes yet again, to see how far could they see, this time, I’d no clue what I was looking at. Or is that the whole point of standing at high point? For the dumb, and dumber in me to try and feel like he’s trying to spot the mark he made, or aiming to make on this eternal universe?
Well, if only was it that easy.