No Particular Reason


I think about it, and with a little effort, I’m sure as hell I’d know who that healthy passenger or crew member is, that had ham or green peas and farted into the beautiful sky while at an altitude of 20 thousand foot. I can even tell if it was just ham or just green peas that (s)he had, or both, also in which order and quantity, if at all (s)he had both. I can as well tell if it was a group farting in ultimate unison. But for the life of me, I don’t know why I cry sometimes for no particular reason. Is it due to malfunctioned hyperosmia that affected my brain, and half way through impacting my nose forgot to do so, and left me with melancholia?

Friendship Day!

ಹೋಗೋ ಗುಳ್ದು; ಯಾಕೋ loaper!; ಮುಚ್ಚಪ್ಪ ಸಾಕು;
ಸರಿ, ನಿಮ್ಮ ಹಸುನೆ ಮುಂದೆ;
ಇಲ್ಲ ಮಗ;  ಹೂ ಮಚ್ಚ;  ಹೌದು ಗುರುವೇ;
ಏನ್ರೀ ಹೇಗಿದ್ದೀರ?
– ಸಲಿಗೆ ಎಳ್ಳಷ್ಟಇರಲಿ, ಓರೋಷ್ಟು ಇರಲಿ .

ಚಡ್ಡಿ, ಚಿಕೆನ್,
ಕಾರು, ಬೀರು,
ಪ್ಯಾಂಟು, ಶರ್ಟು

ಎಲ್ಲಾ ಶೇರ್ ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ,

ರೋಟಿ, ದಾಲ್,
ಆಂಧ್ರ ಪಪ್ಪು,
ಕಡಕ್, ಹಲಸಂದೆ,

ಏನೇ ತಿನ್ನಲಿ,

ಬೆಂಗಳೂರು, ಬಿಹಾರ್,
ಪಾವಗಡ, ಶಿಮೊಗ್ಗ,
ರತ್ನಗಿರಿ, ಕೆಂಗೇರಿ,
ರೈಚೂರ್, ಸಿರಾ, ಮುತ್ಕುರ್,
ಬೇವಿನಹಳ್ಳಿ, ಬೊಮ್ಮಸಂದ್ರ,
ನೀ ಎಲ್ಲಿನವರಾದ್ರೂ ಆಗ್ಲಿ,

ನನ್ನ ಗೋಳು ಕೇಳೋ,
ಮಾತು ಕೇಳೋ,
ಅಳಿಸೊ, ನಗಿಸೋ,
ತಿದ್ದೋ, ತಿದ್ದೋ ಅವಕಾಶ ಕೊಟ್ಟೋ,

“ಕುಯ್ದಿದ್ದು ಸಾಕು, ನಿಲ್ಸೋ!”

ಅನ್ನೋ, ಎಲ್ಲ ಗೆಳೆಯ, ಗೆಳತಿಯರಿಗೂ:

“ನೀವಿಲ್ಲದ ಜೀವನ ಚೂರು, ಬೋರು,
ನಿಮಗಿದೊ ಒಂದು ಪುಟ್ಟ ನಮಸ್ಕಾರ!”

Happy first Sunday of August!

ಲೇಟ್ ಆಗಿದೆ.
Adjust ಮಾಡ್ಕೊಳಿ!


It started raining heavily, with fierce winds on the way back home. Hailstones as big as pebbles, all over the footpath. The umbrella couldn’t take the force and I’d to take shelter under a tree.

It was petrifying and in all honesty, I was really scared by the loudness of the thunders and the brightness of the lightening, and I’d to close the umbrella and drop it aside to prevent it from turning into a lightening arrestor! The streetlight meters away was hazily visible and it was turned off by the lightening.

There I was shaking, shivering, and waiting. Moments later, I was joined by this little adorable girl. She stood beside me, and after a while said she was too afraid to walk the rest of her way back home and started crying. I tried consoling, and asked if I could call her home. Sadly we couldn’t reach her home. In an effort to console her further, I picked up a few lines from a movie and said the lightening was just God taking pictures of us with his million megapixel camera, and the thunder was His drumbeat and she could pose for pictures and dance to the beats.

That seemed to have relaxed her and she stopped crying, while the rain continued.

Moments later, she started acting weird by picking up the hailstones and said she missed the last bus just so she could collect the hailstones from where we were waiting.

“These are special!”, she continued in a rather peculiar, and over excited tone, which to me was louder, and scarier than the downpour. “Special in the sense, they slipped off God’s refrigerator, just for me.”, with the thunder in chorus, frightening me even more. At this stage, although she seemed like an 8 year old kid, I’d all sorts of paranoid thoughts running through my mind vigorously. Could that be a ghost, or an alien, or even worse God’s messenger that was to punish my atheist soul?

I looked at her foot, and they were alright and confirmed she wasn’t a ghost. No, I’m not friends with ghosts, but that’s the one trait that sets ghosts apart I heard.

She’d a backpack full of books and a lunch box, and looked all cute. And given the fact that even the US president hasn’t made contact with Aliens yet,  it is a mistake on alien’s side to even think of considering me as the human to reach out to. Ruled out, in disappointment.(Or maybe, I stand chance!? Who’s the president now?)

God’s messenger? Nah, that contradicts my atheist belief to begin with.

As I kept pondering in paranoia as to who she was, ” and, you know”, she continued, “there has been study in my Chemistry lab, and our teacher said that we collect the hailstones and bring them to the lab to examine the effect of global warming.  I’ve not been able to collect any since weeks now because of unsupported circumstances, and the deadline for report submission is just days away.”

It was time for me to relax as it was just a kid that I was talking to, and I had nothing to be scared of.

“And you know”, she continued, “I’m passionate. And I will do everything I can to reduce the impact the human species is about to face because of global warming. And as I’ve to live on this planet for the years to come, I’ve taken it on me, sir, to study everything I could, and do anything I can.”, and continued collecting the hailstones into the little freezer-thing she’d, that I’d mistaken for lunchbox.

“Oh, I meant that these hailstones have fallen off God’s refrigerator metaphorically, to both complement your imagination about the thunder, and lightening, and to thank God for today. I’m glad that finally I’m able to collect some so that I can prepare for my thesis submission.”

I was flattered. At 8, not only was she funny, but extremely sensible, and considerate AND to top it all, preparing a thesis! How lucky her father must be, I thought. Father is more dearer to a daughter than mother. Hence the reason. And I would want a daughter. Sons are stupid.

She got enough of the supply for her research by then, and I was glad as much as she was that she missing the last bus didn’t go wasted.

It stopped raining, and I walked her to her home which was in the other direction to where I lived.  As she rang the doorbell on her home, I started walking back to my home. She didn’t thank me. I guess the excitement of hoping to fulfill the project made her forget formalities and hey, I’d just learnt to be sensible from her moments ago!

The next day at about 11 in the morning the phone rang. Some unknown number, and because my mobile subscription is under roaming at the moment, and it’s a bloody expensive one, I have my number shared only with my family, and I pick calls, and don’t care for roaming charges. I received the call, and it wasn’t anyone from my family. The person at the other end said “Thanks for caring for the little kid from yesterday.”

I was guessing this must be her father.

I went “Oh, yes. She was a wonderful kid. The best I’ve ever come across. I’m guessing that she’s your daughter?”

And the response was “No, but I understood how sensible, smart and responsible you hope your daughter should be.  And I promise you, not only do we care and understand your expectations with your ideal soulmate, the life partner, but also understand the qualities you hope your kid will have!”

I went “Who are you!?”

The response, “I’m calling from Matrimony service. Please use coupon code ‘WEDDiscount20’, with ‘WEDD’, both the ‘d’s in upper case, sir, and ‘twenty’ is numeric 20. This is for Wednesday’ discounts on the paid subscription using which you can view the complete details of the potential matches. And sir, we can help you get timely response from your potential matches! And, sir, ..”

I had to hang up on him before he completed the sentence, wondering how on earth did he come to know about that previous day.

Wooden Planks, Banana Peel

I came to realize that the wooden planks and banana peel have something in common.

Some punk had littered the tidiest of the street with banana peel. Stepping on it, I lost control. To add to the misery there was a little stone on the floor that my my buttocks fell onto.

Oh Lord, it was 52kilograms of pain condensed to 1 square inch initially, and it gradually expanded to about 1 square-palm.
For the first time in my life I realized my lungs can easily reach the
vocal range of an opera singer, and my hands have the reflexes of a mongoose. I appreciate your imagination.

Pain in the ass is really a thoughtful idiom.
Before I get distracted, here is how this incident relates to my realization mentioned early on.

It was from the 8th grade that we sat on wooden planks. Until then, not even them but floor. 8th grade was when the school recognized the beginning of development in us.
I mean, academically!

Two wooden planks were joined for 5 of us to sit in each row. It was quite comfortable most of the time, and we took pride in sitting on them.
But occasionally, when the stars would align, well, we couldn’t see stars in the morning though, the two who sat at either side of the row did something and the 3rd in the row would have his butt squeeze between the wooden planks.
His hands knew exactly where he was hurt, and we could see his pain as his face turned pale.
Knowing that this happened often, the rest of us refused to swap our places with his, in spite of his offer to buy us ice-candy in return, the popular 50 paisa delicacy we couldn’t resist that time.

Although this happened often, I presume it wasn’t as painful as that of my experience today. I say that because my friend from the school could never be heard.
I mean he would never scream his pain out. But we knew when it happened as his hand moved at a pace that violated the laws of motion.

Anyways, doesn’t that prove my argument about the similarly between wooden plank and banana peel?
You may disagree today. But one day, when _you_ step on banana peel and fall onto your buttocks that you will come back and agree with me in regret.
You can’t have the wooden plank experience though, to compare which one stands out.
Not because it is from my childhood and I envy anyone else experiencing it,
but because the school’s furniture has gotten a makeover these day.

No, wait.. They are wooden desks now! So, should you want the slightly similar, but the other experience too, before you agree with my observation, let me know. I will drive you to my home town next time.

I don’t curse the punk that littered the street. No. Not at all. He did a favor. Rather significant one.  After all, it is because of him that I know couple of things I didn’t earlier: My vocal range could match that of an opera singer. I’ve the reflexes of a mongoose!

Pedestrians, Warm Planet

Why didn’t you stop the car  to let the pedestrians walk across the street? One of my friend that just returned from an abroad trip asked me angrily, as I drove past a bunch of  pedestrians waiting to cross the street.

Often times this is one of the most profound observations from
some of my friends here in India that traveled abroad for a short duration have, that if you stop you car to give
pedestrian his turn to cross the street, you are more civilized.

They return from their abroad trip and go, “You know, there are a lot of things that are terrible here in India!
One of them that’s so uncivilized here is that the pedestrians have tough time crossing
roads, and those that drive in their damn cars
don’t stop to let those pedestrians cross the street, like you just did. You never see this happen in Europe, you know.”

I tried contemplating on the pros and cons of this topic and tried hard to agree with my friend.
In my opinion, I don’t have to give a shit about my friend’s observation.  Because,
A. It is not profound, as he thinks it is.
B. He is a bloody murderer in thinking it’s less civilized if I don’t give pedestrians their turn.

Nobody should stop their car to let those pedestrians walk across. I mean it. Here is why.
If I stop the car for you, the pedestrian, to cross the street, it is same as both you and I smoking a cigarette, and dying early, even though neither of us are smokers.

Ok. Let me explain that.

I stopped the car. How did I do that? First, I took my foot off the throttle, and applied the brakes.
I was cruising at 40MPH before I saw you, the pedestrian, and now, my vehicle is halted.
I switched to first gear to allow you to walk across the street. And you, went straight to the bus stop across the
street and started surfing the damn facebook. 

That’s unnecessary traffic, I mean, the web-traffic, and the datacenter that
hosts the facebook servers, and that of your internet service provider just emitted a few milligrams of carbon, into an already
warm planet. Both just because of you.

Me, on the other hand, have to start driving from 0MPH, and all the other noble citizens in their cars right behind me, have to do the
same. Do you know the cars consume more fuel when driving in the lower gears?! Now, because of you, the damn pedestrian,
my car has emitted more carbon than it would have, if I did not give a shit about you and kept cruising at 40MPH.

Now, together, the carbon that’s emitted by both of us is same as both of us smoking a cigarette, and we will be dead a little early than
if I did not cared for you, and kept driving, and who knows we both would have lived a little longer.

This is why we Indians are more civilized than those in the other countries where they stop for a pedestrian to cross the street should they see one! 

You know what to do the next time you see a pedestrian now. Don’t you? And hey, have no guilt, after all you let him live a little longer.